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Missed Memories & Regrets Redemption

Place: Dining Table

Time: 10:20 AM

Mood: Mixed emotions of sadness, joy, gratitude, pain, regret …

These both didn’t happen on the same day, but it’s nice to keep record of it…

photo 4 (5) photo 5 (4)

We have been spending time together lately mainly at home – usually doing our own things. However, we decided to go out to do some chores and Dad suggested we grab lunch together.

Usually whenever a blood, main family member suggests going out to eat or watch a movie, my main instinct/reaction/thought is that we shouldn’t because it’s a waste of money (when we can make healthier and potentially yummier things at home). However, I then realized, that that is how I have been thinking and living all this time and therefore missed out on chances of spending quality time with family and making memories…especially with dad who I see only a few times in the year.

I still wanted to just get something cheap and healthy-ish and was like “Let’s just get Subway.” But then, it seemed that dad wanted to treat me to something better and that he wanted us to go out to get something new…I felt sad suddenly. Some pain deep within stirred again.

I remember that over the past year, I suddenly began to get these almost resentful thoughts towards him because it felt that he hadn’t been there for most of my life…it really hit when I became 20 this past May…

It isn’t even like he’s been a bad father or anything either, but I just remember that as a kid I would see other children with their dads or that there would be Parents Day or Back-to-School Night, and my mom would come…alone….

I hated that. Hated having to see her alone and even now she’s basically like alone.

And then I remember all the good things that he has done and still does. He really is the best dad in the world with his flaws and all…same with mama Noh. But I digress…

So we decided to have Hawaiian BBQ to try something new and we both shared each other’s dishes and it was just chill and nice.

Even now, we eat together and laugh (definitely eat bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar) We exercise together, make food together, watch variety shows together…not everything is done together all of the time and we are both pretty quiet when together, but it’s still nice.

I was having trouble over the past month(s) here during the summer when I began to get depressed and alone and after he came back, I felt so much happier, lighter … I don’t know how to explain or describe it.

Lately, it seems like family is getting better as well as it seems that he his opening up more to both me and mom. I felt truly like a family once again after a long time recently.

It’s so hard to type down all that I am thinking and it wasn’t even my plan to start talking about this, but I guess it naturally happened…

On that note…going to eat bread with my dad now…

-Snoh

 

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